Willpower is the Way, Right?
Willpower can be a beautiful thing. It brings us into the present moment. We have to be fully conscious to exercise it. We are taught that willpower is the key to changing our habits and behaviors. However, if you’re anything like me, willpower has let you down from time to time. When I was first trying to get a grip on my drinking, I was certainly exerting a lot of willpower. And then something would happen, I’d reach for my willpower and it wouldn’t be there, and then I would fall back into my old habits and pick up drinking more than I really wanted to again. That, of course, would lead to a lot of shame and disappointment with myself. And then the questions, “why can’t I seem to take it or leave it?”, “what’s wrong with me?”, “why am I not strong enough?”
The thing is, willpower is a finite resource. Like a muscle, if we use it enough, it can give out on us. On those days where my willpower was tested again and again, eventually it wasn’t there. If we rely on willpower alone to help us change our behavior, we are going to find ourselves disappointed.
Instead, we should try a different tool. Equal measures self-compassion and curiosity worked for me. The self-compassion was necessary to counteract the years of shame I was carrying around from when the willpower gave out. And the curiosity helped me question my situation. It brought me (kind of like willpower does) into the moment, and enabled me to hope for a better future for myself and loved ones.
If you’ve had experiences with willpower letting you down, maybe try a different approach. And don’t forget to be kind to yourself. All of your experiences have conspired to bring you to this moment.
